Funny jokes-M&Ms

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

Really funny jokes-Chinese delegate

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'

The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

Yo Mama jokes-Funny punches

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.

Hilarious jokes-Crucial letter

An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth

Clean jokes-Walk out during sermon

'I hope you didn't take it personally, Father, 'an embarrassed woman said after a church service, 'when my husband walked out during your sermon.'

'I did find it rather disconcerting,' the vicar replied.

'It's not a reflection on you, Father' insisted the church goer.
'Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.'

Really funny stuff-Horse

A new pub landlady got a shock when she discovered one of her regulars is a horse. Jackie Gray recently became landlady at the Alexandra Hotel in Jarrow, Tyneside. She says she got a pleasant surprise when carthorse Peggy joined owner Peter Dolan for a pint. The 12-year-old's tipple is a pint of John Smiths and pickled onion crisps.

Mrs Gray said, 'When I bought the pub a few weeks ago I heard rumours that one of the regulars was a horse but I didn't quite believe them. It was a hot day when the horse came in and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'

Mr Dolan, 61, from Jarrow, bought Peggy six years ago and discovered her fondness for the pub when she followed him inside. According to the BBC he said, 'Peggy's no bother at all. Most of the regulars know her as she's been coming in here for years and for them Peggy's a bit of a novelty. She's a proper lady.'

This reminded Will of a horse which drank occasionally in the Clacton Arms, Paulsgrove [demolished for housing] in the late 1960's when John Palmer was landlord.

Non veg jokes | Toast and girlfriend

QUESTION: What is the similarity between burnt toast and pregnant a girlfriend?

ANSWER: In both cases the guy thinks,'It would have been better, if I have taken it out before two seconds!'

Short funny jokes-Christmas Eve

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Computer jokes-Vista

The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:

1. Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2. This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3. Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
5. Suggested Action. Emigrate.
6. Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.
7. The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
8. Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.
9. A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
10. Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
11. An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
12. Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
13. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
14. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
15. Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
16. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
17. User Error: Replace user.
18. No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
19. Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
20. 'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
21. This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
22. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
23. Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)
24. The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
25. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
26. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
27. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
28. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
29. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
30. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
31. Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
32. Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
33. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
34. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
35. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
36. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
37. We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
38. Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
39. You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
40. Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.

Short adult jokes | James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven. The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again. "Hello, Mary speaking !"

Funny jokes-Lost hat

Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

Good jokes-Ten Signs of a Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

Really funny jokes-Three fundamental truths

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

Kids jokes-What God looks like

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Sarah replied, "They will in a minute"