Short adult jokes | Out of town

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back. The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her. She still refuses and walks back. The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in. Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

Really funny jokes-Blood sample from finger

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

Good jokes-Monastery of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, she was summoned by the Priest.

'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but whine since you got here.'

Short funny jokes - Doctor and patient

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor. Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Doctor jokes - Test

Doctor: Mr. Krish, you look exhausted. Krish: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

Really funny jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 3)

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from alzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Clean jokes-Mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Adult jokes - Much to say

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

Funny jokes-Chicken met James Bond

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond,

'What's your name?' asked the chicken,

'Bond, James Bond. What's yours?'

'Ken, Chick Ken.'

Yo mama jokes-So huge

* Yo mama's nostrils are so huge she makes Patrick Ewing jealous.
* Yo mama lost at Hide N' Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.
* Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes.
* Yo mama fell down on the sidewalk and by the time she got back up she made $1.50.
*Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over."

Adult jokes - Putting body parts to sleep

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn.""You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body."Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

Really funny jokes-Murphy's laws of flying

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Hilarious jokes-Couple in the cab

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road, and said,
"I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine!"

Good jokes-There is somebody under my bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! '