Short hilarious jokes-Politicians and pornstars

Question. What do politicians and pornstars have in common?

Answer. They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Really funny jokes-Only in America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Britney Spears

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

Short adult jokes - Seamen

What is long, hard and has lots of seamen in it?
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A submarine

Funny jokes-You know you're getting Older (Part 2)

You know you're getting older when .....

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Animal jokes-Talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Adult jokes-The Cock And Hens

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Really funny jokes-Two ladies talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..we'd both still be alive.

Funy video jokes - Practical joke

Funny jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 1)

You know you're getting older

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a hot babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

Short hilarious jokes-Lifesaving tool

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the car trunk!

Adult jokes - Yard work

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Really funny jokes-Lost luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)

Clean jokes-Looks of your wife

After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she’s a good cook and the kids seem to like her."