Really funny jokes-Shortest books

Five of the Shortest Books Ever Written

1. Arctic Water Polo
2. Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
3. One-Legged Folk Dances
4. Advanced Subtraction
5. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Really good stuff-Television commercial

Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan 'Just Do It' appears in the screen.

Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, 'I don't want these. Give me big shoes.'

Say's Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, 'We thought nobody in America would know what he said.' - Taken from an article in Forbes Magazine.

Funny joke-Staggering drunk

The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?"

Really funny joke-Blind man's Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Blonde joke-Stare

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Political jokes-Don't ask don't tell

Today the Obama Administration announced the long-waited strategy for Afghanistan.

It is called the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" strategy.

You don't ask about the strategy and they won't tell you what the strategy is.

Funny jokes-Pick up line

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Really funny jokes-A trip to COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore..

Hilarious jokes-The American and the Welsh Farmer

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American.

'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' .

Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. '

Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'

Short funny jokes-Rocket to Moon

On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazy husband says, "My sweet darling, I am going to take you to moon tonight."

The impatient wife says, "Sure, but first at least let's see the rocket to get there."

Clean jokes-Four parachutes

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!"
After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live."
Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!"
Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Really funny jokes-The landlord

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

Funny jokes-Toilet problem

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

Good jokes-Father George

For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, Newark, England, decided to give him a present of a new suit.

Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and began his homily with a tear in his eye,
'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'