Clean jokes-Four parachutes

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!"
After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live."
Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!"
Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Really funny jokes-The landlord

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

Funny jokes-Toilet problem

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

Good jokes-Father George

For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, Newark, England, decided to give him a present of a new suit.

Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and began his homily with a tear in his eye,
'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'

Really funny jokes-The special of the day

A man enters a coffee shop and sits down. The sign on the counter says the special of the day is chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the chili."
"I'm sorry," says the waitress, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." says the waitress.
So the man just orders some coffee. But after a while, he notices that the guy next to him is finishing his meal and the bowl of chili is still full.
"Excuse me," he says to the man, "But are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he comes across a dead mouse in the bowl. Immediately, he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man looks over sympathetically and says: "That's about as far as I got, too."

Short funny jokes-Embarrass an archeologist

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Hilarious jokes-See off

Young Tony was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Manchester station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

'The next train is in one hour,' intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Tony had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

'Next one is sixty minutes from now,' grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Tony, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

'Your parents just left you,' said the stationmaster. 'Why are you laughing?'

Tony smiled, 'They only came to see me off.'

Funny jokes-Newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

Really funny jokes-wash it again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Abo jokes-Where's your bin?

A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.
The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?"
Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland".
Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin".
Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone".

Short funny jokes-Snooker table

Question. How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Answer. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Funny jokes-Travel by train

President of Pakistan, Zardari's son (Bilawal) goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque from a Swiss Bank account saying:

"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

Hilarious jokes-Basketball star

I once read a magazine biography of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted to drugs that he took to crime. Let's call him "Bill" for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighbourhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbour despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, 'Bill, don't do this, okay?'
To which the player/robber replied, 'Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me.'

Really funny jokes-Airlines with different operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home