Funny jokes-Newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

Really funny jokes-wash it again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Abo jokes-Where's your bin?

A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.
The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?"
Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland".
Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin".
Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone".

Short funny jokes-Snooker table

Question. How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Answer. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Funny jokes-Travel by train

President of Pakistan, Zardari's son (Bilawal) goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque from a Swiss Bank account saying:

"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

Hilarious jokes-Basketball star

I once read a magazine biography of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted to drugs that he took to crime. Let's call him "Bill" for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighbourhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbour despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, 'Bill, don't do this, okay?'
To which the player/robber replied, 'Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me.'

Really funny jokes-Airlines with different operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home

Really funny jokes-Isn't that precious

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??

The first woman then asked her companion, " What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

Good jokes - Anesthetist

Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.

'What did he say?' asks the nurse.

'OOPS!'

Funny jokes-Water had broken

The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding...
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

Kids jokes-garbage collector

I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'

'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career,' I finally managed to reply.

'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.

Really funny jokes-Lead in prayer

It was an evening church service at St Mark's in the small quiet town of Orson, Maryland, USA, and old Deacon Carrick seemed to be sleeping as he occupied one of the back pews.

In those bygone days, some of the cardinal sins were: chewing tobacco, drinking liquor and playing cards. The message had already been preached, and the reverend was winding up the service.

He said in his usual tone, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But the old deacon was fast asleep.

Then the reverend father said in a little louder and sterner voice, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But still the old fellow still did not respond.

Finally, the vicar shouted, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead?'

This time, the old Deacon jolted awake, and, not realizing where he was blurted out, 'It's not my lead - I just dealt.

Short funny jokes-Use imagination

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

Funny jokes-Sharks in the Ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".