Really funny jokes-Lead in prayer

It was an evening church service at St Mark's in the small quiet town of Orson, Maryland, USA, and old Deacon Carrick seemed to be sleeping as he occupied one of the back pews.

In those bygone days, some of the cardinal sins were: chewing tobacco, drinking liquor and playing cards. The message had already been preached, and the reverend was winding up the service.

He said in his usual tone, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But the old deacon was fast asleep.

Then the reverend father said in a little louder and sterner voice, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But still the old fellow still did not respond.

Finally, the vicar shouted, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead?'

This time, the old Deacon jolted awake, and, not realizing where he was blurted out, 'It's not my lead - I just dealt.

Short funny jokes-Use imagination

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

Funny jokes-Sharks in the Ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

Really funny jokes-About parachutes

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.

In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Doctor jokes-Dizzy

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

Funny jokes-Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

Here are Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'

Really funny jokes-Basketball team pictures

Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the centre of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year --"62-63";"63-64"; "64-65" and so on.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, 'Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?'

Hilarious jokes-Police Officer in Court

Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Clean jokes-New perspective on Christmas

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"

Really funny jokes-Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'

My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

Little Johnny jokes-Fart in the classroom

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"

Funny jokes-Pet ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Redneck jokes-Divorced

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

Kids jokes-Strange socks

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.