Funny jokes-Pet ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Redneck jokes-Divorced

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

Kids jokes-Strange socks

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Good jokes-Fidel goes to heaven

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Really rude jokes-Woman

Q: What's the definition of a modern woman?
A: One who dresses to kill and drives the same way.


Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses?
A: Because there aren't any roads from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Short funny jokes-Vampires

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

Clean jokes-Seeback

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Really funny jokes-Top 10 Signs your family is stressed

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED..

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Animal jokes-Camel with no humps

Q. What do you call a camel with no humps?
A. Humphrey

Funny jokes-Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

Hilarious jokes-Quick wit and intelligence

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'

Clean jokes-Laurel Hardy

Laurel: Hardy, I have recently changed my job. Now I have thousands of people working under me.

Hardy: That's great news. By the way where are you working?

Laurel: I am working on the top floor of the 100 storeyed building.

Really funny jokes-Asleep during Sunday sermon

Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

Blonde jokes-Another drink

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks ...anyone can!"