Hilarious jokes-Dangerous criminal

A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:

"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".

Birthday jokes-To the doctor

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!

Really funny jokes-Guide to Advanced Nose Picking

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Good jokes-You might be a Caffeine Addict if

You might be a Caffeine addict if...

* Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

* You can't remember the last time you blinked.

* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

* Your dog's name is Folgers.

* You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

Funny farm jokes-Giving away animals

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
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Funny jokes-Holes in umbrella

Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

Practical jokes-Wave of my hand

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Short funny jokes-To keep an Irishman busy

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.

Really funny Yo Mama jokes

Yo Mama's So Stupid

* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.

Blonde jokes-A blonde's password

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Short funny jokes-Three Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Realy funny jokes-Wailing

Solly and Moses were also on the Titanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene.

"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".

MJ jokes-Grocery bag

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Good jokes-What would you like for dinner

The dear husband was engrossed in a football game upset for his loosing team and the sweet voice of the dearest wife was heard.

"What would you like to have for dinner my love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"

The husband responded with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken for me."

The wife snapped, "You are having tomato soup, I was talking to the Cat."