Good jokes-You might be a Caffeine Addict if

You might be a Caffeine addict if...

* Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

* You can't remember the last time you blinked.

* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

* Your dog's name is Folgers.

* You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

Funny farm jokes-Giving away animals

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
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Funny jokes-Holes in umbrella

Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

Practical jokes-Wave of my hand

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Short funny jokes-To keep an Irishman busy

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.

Really funny Yo Mama jokes

Yo Mama's So Stupid

* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.

Blonde jokes-A blonde's password

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Short funny jokes-Three Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Realy funny jokes-Wailing

Solly and Moses were also on the Titanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene.

"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".

MJ jokes-Grocery bag

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Good jokes-What would you like for dinner

The dear husband was engrossed in a football game upset for his loosing team and the sweet voice of the dearest wife was heard.

"What would you like to have for dinner my love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"

The husband responded with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken for me."

The wife snapped, "You are having tomato soup, I was talking to the Cat."

Funny jokes-You know you are getting older when.....

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

Really funny stuff-Comments Made In The Year 1955

Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Hilarious jokes-Who lands first

An Italian, an Irishman, and a Puerto Rican jump off the Empire State Building. Who lands first?

The Italian;
because the Irishman stops to ask directions,
and the Puerto Rican stops to spray paint on the walls.