Realy funny jokes-Wailing

Solly and Moses were also on the Titanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene.

"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".

MJ jokes-Grocery bag

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Good jokes-What would you like for dinner

The dear husband was engrossed in a football game upset for his loosing team and the sweet voice of the dearest wife was heard.

"What would you like to have for dinner my love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"

The husband responded with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken for me."

The wife snapped, "You are having tomato soup, I was talking to the Cat."

Funny jokes-You know you are getting older when.....

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

Really funny stuff-Comments Made In The Year 1955

Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Hilarious jokes-Who lands first

An Italian, an Irishman, and a Puerto Rican jump off the Empire State Building. Who lands first?

The Italian;
because the Irishman stops to ask directions,
and the Puerto Rican stops to spray paint on the walls.

Funny redneck jokes-You might be a redneck if

You might be a redneck if

1. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
2. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
3. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
4. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
5. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
6. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
7. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
8. You have a rag for a gas cap.
9. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
10. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

Yo Mama jokes-So stupid!!

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

Really funny jokes-Biopsy mix up

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......

Clean jokes-Church bulletin

I write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages."

Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."

Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

Hilarious jokes-Almost stepped in

A Polish man walks into his local pub and goes straight up to the barman, who turns away disgusted at the handful of dog poo the Pole is holding.
"Hey, Fred" says the Pole, "Look what I almost stepped in".

Short funny jokes-New camera

Q. Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A. It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

Sardar jokes-Left a fortune

Santa : "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
His wife Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Really funny jokes-Depressed man

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."