Clean jokes-Answers in the Bible

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?"

The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"

The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."

Really funny jokes-Turpentine

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

Short funny jokes-Smart ass

What is the definition of a smart ass?

Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

Animal jokes-Elephant crossing road

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Funny jokes-Recognize

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

Hilarious jokes-Return tickets

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Israel and Abraham find themselves on the same overturned lifeboat. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the boat is slowly sinking.

"Oh, well" said Israel, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it be worse?", screamed Abraham.

"Well, we could have bought return tickets!"

Really funny stuff-Joke's on you

Young Patrick is walking down Dublin's main street. Suddenly a man leaps out at him and punches him in the face.

"There you are, Mick, that'll teach you!", The man shouts.

But to his attacker's surprise, Patrick just laughs.

"So Mick, you're laughing; I'll hit you again!"

"Ha ha ha!", laughs Patrick, "the joke's on you. I'm not Mick!"

Good jokes-Scottish on a free trip

McTavish, on a free trip to the pokies, had spent the entire two dollars he had brought along without winning a cent.

Thoroughly disgusted, he stalked off to visit the gents and discovered that he needed 20 cents to use one of the cubicles.

A man standing nearby gave him the necessary coin, but just as McTavish was about to use it he spotted someone leaving, so he grabbed the door before it slammed shut and got in for free.

And so, with a spare 20 cents to spend, he returned to the machines and had a final fling.

And wouldn't you know it? He scored the $10,000 jackpot!

McTavish was ecstatic. "If it hadnae been for yon laddie I'd no ha' won," he exclaimed, "The mon deserves to be rewarded - I'll give him his twenty cents back.

Teacher jokes-Where is your homework?

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.

Really funny jokes-Heavenly slide

Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.

But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.

The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.

The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.

Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".

Hilarious jokes-Berserk woman

An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew.
"You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square."
"Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."

Good jokes-Rigorous entrance exam

A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"

The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"

Really funny jokes-Cock fight

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.

Yo mama jokes-Aircraft carrier

I know yo mama from personal experience. She's just like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.