Good jokes-Scottish on a free trip

McTavish, on a free trip to the pokies, had spent the entire two dollars he had brought along without winning a cent.

Thoroughly disgusted, he stalked off to visit the gents and discovered that he needed 20 cents to use one of the cubicles.

A man standing nearby gave him the necessary coin, but just as McTavish was about to use it he spotted someone leaving, so he grabbed the door before it slammed shut and got in for free.

And so, with a spare 20 cents to spend, he returned to the machines and had a final fling.

And wouldn't you know it? He scored the $10,000 jackpot!

McTavish was ecstatic. "If it hadnae been for yon laddie I'd no ha' won," he exclaimed, "The mon deserves to be rewarded - I'll give him his twenty cents back.

Teacher jokes-Where is your homework?

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.

Really funny jokes-Heavenly slide

Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.

But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.

The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.

The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.

Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".

Hilarious jokes-Berserk woman

An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew.
"You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square."
"Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."

Good jokes-Rigorous entrance exam

A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"

The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"

Really funny jokes-Cock fight

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.

Yo mama jokes-Aircraft carrier

I know yo mama from personal experience. She's just like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

Teacher jokes-Vocab lesson

The English teacher in a school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson.

"What's the difference between select and choose... Ramone?" she asked.

"Select is when you pick something," he answered, "and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet."

Short funny jokes-Play marbles

Mummy, mummy can I play marbles now?
Shut up son, you can't use grandpa's glass eye today!

Funny jokes-Irishman in Post office

An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.

"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".

Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"

Good jokes-Six day war

Just after the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, a TV reporter had an interview with the Israeli general, Moshe Dayan.

Reporter: "Tell me, general, how did the Israelis finish the war in only six days?"

"Well, we only had the tanks on a week's approval!"

Really funny jokes-Miss the wife

Two cannibals are having dinner together.

The guest says to his host, "Your wife sure makes a great meal."

"Yeah, but I'm going to miss her" his friend replies.

Funny hilarious jokes-Athiest in the Ocean

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Clean jokes-The hearing

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boy's turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.