Teacher jokes-Vocab lesson

The English teacher in a school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson.

"What's the difference between select and choose... Ramone?" she asked.

"Select is when you pick something," he answered, "and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet."

Short funny jokes-Play marbles

Mummy, mummy can I play marbles now?
Shut up son, you can't use grandpa's glass eye today!

Funny jokes-Irishman in Post office

An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.

"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".

Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"

Good jokes-Six day war

Just after the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, a TV reporter had an interview with the Israeli general, Moshe Dayan.

Reporter: "Tell me, general, how did the Israelis finish the war in only six days?"

"Well, we only had the tanks on a week's approval!"

Really funny jokes-Miss the wife

Two cannibals are having dinner together.

The guest says to his host, "Your wife sure makes a great meal."

"Yeah, but I'm going to miss her" his friend replies.

Funny hilarious jokes-Athiest in the Ocean

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Clean jokes-The hearing

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boy's turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

Funny jokes-Best bar pick up line

Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:

"Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."

Really good stuff-10 Words that don't exist but should

10 Words That Don't Exist But Should ......

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Animal jokes-Why do Reindeer have red noses

Q. Why do reindeer have red noses?

A. They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Doctor jokes-Good & bad news

The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dianne asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.

To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural sly."

Really funny jokes-Weight machine

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.

Short funny jokes-Lawnmower

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
 
A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Funny jokes-Irish Car pool

Did you hear about the Irish car pool?

They all meet at work.