Barack Obama jokes - one liners

Q. Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton?
A. She the one with the cojones.

Q. Why does Barack want higher taxes?
A. Cause he won’t be the one paying them.

Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Really funny jokes-No room

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Really short funny jokes - Dog and Cat

A Dog Fell In Love With a Cat

But Dog's Parents Refused Cat

Guess Why?


They Gave a Solid Reason

- The girl has mustache

Short SMS jokes - Santa Banta

Santa: What Is The Similarity Between Girl Friend And Mobile?

Banta: Both Are Disconnected When There Is NO Money.

Really funny jokes-Begging business

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

Hilarious jokes - Grandpa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious grandpa has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile grandpa is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears grandpa calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and grandpa again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed the woman goes up to grandpa as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied grandpa, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little jerk's name is Johnny.'

Short funny jokes - Husband Wife

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Knock knock jokes-Hatch

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Cover your mouth when you sneeze!

Clean jokes-Blind date for daughter

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

Really funny joke - Lord of the rings

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Office jokes-What an awesome reply!

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.

The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -"Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other.

Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the sweet manager replied "Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"

Redneck jokes-You might be a redneck if...

You might be a redneck if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Funny Doctor Patient jokes - Fifty dollars

Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?

Doctor: Fifty dollars.

Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second's work?

Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.

Short jokes - Sardar dreams

Sardar: In my dreams rats play football every night

Doctor: take this tablet you will be OK

Saradar: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final match