A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Hillbilly jokes-Hammering
Q: Why did the hillbilly put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!
A: The noise gave her a headache!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Funny Jokes - Farmer and Pig
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Really funny jokes-The Photographer and the Pilot
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Really good stuff-Advice to be passed on to your daughter
Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughter
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Really funny jokes-Airsick
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Animal jokes-Doggie conversations
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Clean jokes-Big feet
Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.
“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.
“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.
“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”
“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.
“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”
“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.
“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.
“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”
“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.
“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”
Really funny jokes-Chicken Noodle Soup
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Short funny jokes-Being 99
Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Blonde jokes-In commercials
Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb
A: Double-dumb
Yo mama jokes-Nasty
- Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!
- Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
- Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
- Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
- Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
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