Animal jokes-Doggie conversations

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Clean jokes-Big feet

Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.

“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.

“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.

“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”

“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.

“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”

Really funny jokes-Chicken Noodle Soup

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Short funny jokes-Being 99

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

Blonde jokes-In commercials

Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?

A: Double-dumb

Yo mama jokes-Nasty

- Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!

- Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."

- Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

Really funny jokes-ten years ago

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Clean jokes funny-She's the devil

Last night as I headed to the cash register at Gelson’s, a middle-aged blond woman was in a tirade at the check-out stand.

“She’s the Devil,” she rasped to a thin fey man next to her in line.

I stopped and asked her dead-pan,

“Are you kibitzing about Sarah Palin?”

“Yes,” she shouted gleefully in response.

“See, you didn’t even have to reveal her name and I knew who you were talking about.”

All the shoppers within earshot roared!

Short funny jokes-Popcorn with fingers

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Animal jokes-Big bad wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to answer nature's call!"

Really funny jokes-Fluctuations

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with 19 Dollars. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and but was handed only 18 Dollars.

He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, but just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

Funny halloween jokes-Least popular candles

10 Least Popular Halloween Candies

10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy

Teacher jokes-Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Really funny jokes-Best flag

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's *** with your flag!