Really funny jokes-Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR.PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... @&&^(C% ........REBOOT!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Short funny jokes-Time to pray

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

Short one liner jokes - Mans heart

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is

through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Short funny jokes-Best costume

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party ?
Because he just came to pick up his little sister !

Clean jokes-Frenzied mother

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself.

Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to."

The mother replied, "Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to talk to me?"

To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands."

Really funny jokes-Pistol too

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
"The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too".
"Very good", says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
"Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

Funny humor-I'm Only Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!

Short Joke - Husband Wife

Phone rings,

Husband: If it is for me then say that I am not at home.

Wife answered: He is at home.

Shocked Husband: What the Hell?

Wife: It was for me !!

Short funny hillbilly jokes-Married

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Birthday party jokes-Clam

What does a clam do on his birthday?
He shellabrates!

Blonde jokes-Cuckoo

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."


Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.

As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"

Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"

Clean jokes-Smart Pope

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

The Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope is angry and shouts, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.

" Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat taken aback, "We anticipated this. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. Finally, the Nescafe director says, "but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great church

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news ..... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope , We would have to lose the Britannia Account ... »

Short funny jokes-Quietest place

What is the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department of the parachute company.

Really funny jokes-Dreadful fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"