Clean jokes-Smart Pope

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

The Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope is angry and shouts, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.

" Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat taken aback, "We anticipated this. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. Finally, the Nescafe director says, "but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great church

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news ..... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope , We would have to lose the Britannia Account ... »

Short funny jokes-Quietest place

What is the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department of the parachute company.

Really funny jokes-Dreadful fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Clean jokes-The English language

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

Really funny jokes-Bad attendance

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning.

He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower, I look in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and then I am late."

His boss has a bright idea.

He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.

The following day Philemon does not turn up for work.

The same happens the day after that.

So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"

Good Jokes - Things in Golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really waked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Birthday jokes-Comb

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Really funny jokes-Off to college

The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her husband consoled her,
"Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

Short funny jokes-Moosehead

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Office jokes-Application for Employment

To: The Personnel manager

RE: Replacement of the dead manager

I refer to the recent death of the manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one I even attended the funeral and the all burial process and made sure that I hear from you who will take up the position. All I can remember is you saying that he will be difficult to replace meaning there is no one at the moment.

Its sad that he has left us but at least I benefit as he has left a vacancy for me.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. He was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to continue with his legacy because I was seeing the time he was come for work and knocking off.

I will be sending my pictures whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed.

Thanks for advertising the funeral because I could not have known.

Yours smiling,

Short jokes on Sardar

A Sardar was cutting side of capsule before taking it.

His Friend asked him why are you doing so ?

He replied :-"TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS"....!!

Short funny jokes-Positive

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Really funny jokes-Two mexicans on a bike

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"

Clean jokes funny-Warm beer

A crop-duster was asked by a friend how his day had gone.

"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?'"

The bartender said, "Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road."

"What could I say to that?"