Clean jokes-The English language

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

Really funny jokes-Bad attendance

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning.

He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower, I look in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and then I am late."

His boss has a bright idea.

He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.

The following day Philemon does not turn up for work.

The same happens the day after that.

So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"

Good Jokes - Things in Golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really waked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Birthday jokes-Comb

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Really funny jokes-Off to college

The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her husband consoled her,
"Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

Short funny jokes-Moosehead

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Office jokes-Application for Employment

To: The Personnel manager

RE: Replacement of the dead manager

I refer to the recent death of the manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one I even attended the funeral and the all burial process and made sure that I hear from you who will take up the position. All I can remember is you saying that he will be difficult to replace meaning there is no one at the moment.

Its sad that he has left us but at least I benefit as he has left a vacancy for me.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. He was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to continue with his legacy because I was seeing the time he was come for work and knocking off.

I will be sending my pictures whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed.

Thanks for advertising the funeral because I could not have known.

Yours smiling,

Short jokes on Sardar

A Sardar was cutting side of capsule before taking it.

His Friend asked him why are you doing so ?

He replied :-"TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS"....!!

Short funny jokes-Positive

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Really funny jokes-Two mexicans on a bike

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"

Clean jokes funny-Warm beer

A crop-duster was asked by a friend how his day had gone.

"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?'"

The bartender said, "Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road."

"What could I say to that?"

Short funny jokes-Average age

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Hillbilly jokes-Possum

How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Really funny jokes-Fresh auditor

A bright, young, fresh-out-of- school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders; like the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the
Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi,"the I.R.S....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."