Funny jokes com

A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck.
Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard.
Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.
Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com."
From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars.
Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better.
Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg."
Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out.

Short funny jokes-Elephant's legs

Q) If an elephant's front legs were doing 60 miles per hour...what would the back legs be doing?

A) Hauling ass !!!!!

Really funny jokes-New kind of car

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete?" one asked.
"He got this hare-brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."

Doctor jokes-Psychiatrists attending convention

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....

Really funny jokes-Rubbing the roofs

A drunken man was wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

Office jokes-Weight room

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No" she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there.

Short funny jokes-Witnesses

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Office jokes-Near sighted

Pauly says to Maury, his coworker, "I've become so near-sighted I almost worked myself to death."
Maury: "What does being nearsighted have to do with working yourself to death?"
Pauly: "I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the time."

Kids jokes-Say a prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother' s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Really funny jokes-Great actor

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

Clean jokes-Wedding dress

The groom to be said to his fiancee, "Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that's only going to be worn once?!"
"Who says it's only going to be worn once?"
"Oh? You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear white the second time!"
"No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom."
"I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress."
"Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!"
"Okay, then why don't you wear hers?"
"Who wants to get married in that old thing?"

Short funny jokes-Computer dating service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

Really funny jokes-Sunday school

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Blonde jokes-Shrink

After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?"
"If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."