Funny farm jokes-Texan farmer travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Short funny jokes-LAPD

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

Really funny jokes-Small talk

Service in the restaurant was extremely slow. The husband was starting to flip out, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "our friend Rachael should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" the husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

Funny stuff jokes-Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs

A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

Short funny jokes-Stolen

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Really funny jokes-42nd street

A woman, carrying a small dog in her arms, boarded a streetcar in New York and earnestly begged the conductor to tell her when they reached 42nd Street. As she seemed unusually anxious, he said he would.
At the first stop they made after leaving 72nd Street, she glanced appealingly at the other passengers.
At the next stop she half rose to her feet. "Fifty-ninth! " called the conductor.
At 50th Street she stumbled forward, but the conductor laid a detaining hand upon her. "Not yet, Madam. I told you that I would tell you when we get there."
"How soon shall we get there?" she asked, breathlessly.
The conductor looked wearily at her. "I will tell you when we get there," he repeated.
At last, looking pointedly at her, he shouted loudly, "FORTY-SECOND STREET! FORTY-SECOND STREET!"
The woman clutched her dog and, standing up, lifted him to the window. "O, Fido," she said, almost tearfully, "look, look, Fido! That's 42nd Street, where you were born."

Engineer jokes-Broke

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it is perfect, then expand it and add more features until it breaks.

Clean jokes-Mink

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

Comedy jokes-Barber

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

Really funny jokes-Heavy bread

The doctor told my husband, Al, to use his right arm as much as possible. Al had broken five ribs and his shoulder blade, and had chipped his elbow, all on his right side, in a sky diving accident.
One afternoon I had just placed a sandwich, made with my fresh homemade bread, in front of Al when my brother Pete dropped by.
Al picked the sandwich up with his right hand and tried to raise it to his mouth.
He managed to get it halfway before he had to lower it. He took a deep breath and tried again, but with the same result. The third time he used his left hand to support his right and finally managed to raise it to his mouth.
"Would you like a sandwich too?" I asked Pete.
"No, thanks," he answered. "That bread looks too heavy for me."

Best funny jokes-Pirate in a bar

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asks.

The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?”

“Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.”

“Incredible!” says the seaman. “How’d you get the eye patch?”

“A sea gull crapped in my eye,” the pirate replies.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the seaman asks.

“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

Really funny jokes-The salesman from Alberta

A young farm boy from Alberta moved to Vancouver and went to a huge"everything under one roof"department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says,
"First, I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition"
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The Alberta farm boy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!'

Clean jokes-More Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

- You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It's NOT a pool cover.
- The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
- The water's pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
- Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.