Really funny jokes-42nd street

A woman, carrying a small dog in her arms, boarded a streetcar in New York and earnestly begged the conductor to tell her when they reached 42nd Street. As she seemed unusually anxious, he said he would.
At the first stop they made after leaving 72nd Street, she glanced appealingly at the other passengers.
At the next stop she half rose to her feet. "Fifty-ninth! " called the conductor.
At 50th Street she stumbled forward, but the conductor laid a detaining hand upon her. "Not yet, Madam. I told you that I would tell you when we get there."
"How soon shall we get there?" she asked, breathlessly.
The conductor looked wearily at her. "I will tell you when we get there," he repeated.
At last, looking pointedly at her, he shouted loudly, "FORTY-SECOND STREET! FORTY-SECOND STREET!"
The woman clutched her dog and, standing up, lifted him to the window. "O, Fido," she said, almost tearfully, "look, look, Fido! That's 42nd Street, where you were born."

Engineer jokes-Broke

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it is perfect, then expand it and add more features until it breaks.

Clean jokes-Mink

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

Comedy jokes-Barber

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

Really funny jokes-Heavy bread

The doctor told my husband, Al, to use his right arm as much as possible. Al had broken five ribs and his shoulder blade, and had chipped his elbow, all on his right side, in a sky diving accident.
One afternoon I had just placed a sandwich, made with my fresh homemade bread, in front of Al when my brother Pete dropped by.
Al picked the sandwich up with his right hand and tried to raise it to his mouth.
He managed to get it halfway before he had to lower it. He took a deep breath and tried again, but with the same result. The third time he used his left hand to support his right and finally managed to raise it to his mouth.
"Would you like a sandwich too?" I asked Pete.
"No, thanks," he answered. "That bread looks too heavy for me."

Best funny jokes-Pirate in a bar

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asks.

The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?”

“Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.”

“Incredible!” says the seaman. “How’d you get the eye patch?”

“A sea gull crapped in my eye,” the pirate replies.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the seaman asks.

“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

Really funny jokes-The salesman from Alberta

A young farm boy from Alberta moved to Vancouver and went to a huge"everything under one roof"department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says,
"First, I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition"
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The Alberta farm boy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!'

Clean jokes-More Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

- You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It's NOT a pool cover.
- The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
- The water's pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
- Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.

Cheap cruise travel

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks,
"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."

Funny farm jokes-Pig misunderstanding

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Really funny jokes-Car push

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push to his car.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you u still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' came the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.

Short funny jokes-Novocain

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Teacher jokes-What they really mean

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't
intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she
creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a
year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat
the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

Birthday party jokes-Handkerchief

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.