Short funny jokes-Tongue

A little boy while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue?
Father: Very long...!

Clean jokes-The Drinking Fool

Jones watched in astonishment as the man standing next to him at the bar ordered a dry martini, poured its contents into the sink, then nibbled away at the bowl of the glass. He did not stop till only the stem was left. He placed that carefully before him and ordered another dry martini. This continued until five stems were standing before him and then the man left.
The bartender, noting Jones' astonishment, said with a smile, "You seem surprised, sir."
"I'll say I am," said Jones. "The darn fool left the best part."

Sardar jokes-Fastest thing in the world

Four University graduates were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.. One common question was asked to all 4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

Doctor jokes-Eyesight

"I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

Short funny jokes-Too hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Clean jokes-Forgotten son

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Office jokes-Discussing occupations

Max and Abe are relaxing on the beach in Miami and get around to discussing what their occupations were.
Max replied that he was retired from the hat business. Seems there was a fire and the insurance company paid $1 million and he retired to Florida.
When asked about Abe's business, he replied that his was in women's clothing, that he had a flood, and the insurance company paid him $3 million and he retired to Florida.
After about 10 minutes Max asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Really funny jokes-Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""
Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off".

Sardar jokes-Disturbing the neighborhood

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now dear, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:
"Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb,
you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb
but now dears.... you are a potato and tomato"!

Really funny jokes-Poker Spittoon

In a saloon in the old west, four tough, grizzled gunslinger types are playing poker.
"Tex" is having a bad run of luck, and is down to his last few dollars. Then, his luck suddenly changes -- he's dealt four of a kind! He can't lose! As the betting continues, though, he runs out of money. So he says: "boys, I'm out of money, but I'd like to stay in this hand. What do you say?"
The toughest man at the table, "Loco," says: "I'll tell you what. If you win, you keep your winnings. If you lose, you have to take a sip from the spittoon."
Tex looks at the spittoon sitting in the corner of the saloon. Cowboys have been spitting their tobacco juice into it for almost a week, and it is brim-full with slime. He looks back at his hand -- the hand of a lifetime. He gulps hard and says: "O.K."
The betting continues until only Tex and Loco are left in the game. Tex lays down his cards, and says "four of a kind." Smiling broadly, Loco lays down his cards: a straight flush. As Tex looks down at the cards with horror, Loco says: "Okay Tex,time to pay up."
Tex walks slowly over to the spittoon and reluctantly picks it up. He gazes down into the thick, brown, disgusting liquid. He takes a deep breath, puts his lips to it -- and begins drinking.
To the amazement of everyone in the saloon, he doesn't stop at one sip. He gulps, and gulps, and gulps for a full minute, until the spittoon is totally drained! There is an outcry throughout the saloon. Strong men are passing out around Tex from shock and disgust. A stunned silence settles in. Finally, one of the patrons speaks out: "Jesus, Tex -- you only had to take one sip -- why did you drink the whole thing?" Replies Tex: "It was all one strand!"

Short funny jokes-Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. Be careful, he said to his wife. You'll bring out the beast in me.
So what?his wife shot back. Who's afraid of a mouse?

Funny criminal jokes

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Really funny jokes-Dinner club

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors house each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay.

She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive.

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said,"No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the
back porch and got Ole Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ole' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town To come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and
the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter..

One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that truck driver that ran over Ole Spot never even stopped.

Clean jokes-Wrong Kid

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes