Really funny jokes-Poker Spittoon

In a saloon in the old west, four tough, grizzled gunslinger types are playing poker.
"Tex" is having a bad run of luck, and is down to his last few dollars. Then, his luck suddenly changes -- he's dealt four of a kind! He can't lose! As the betting continues, though, he runs out of money. So he says: "boys, I'm out of money, but I'd like to stay in this hand. What do you say?"
The toughest man at the table, "Loco," says: "I'll tell you what. If you win, you keep your winnings. If you lose, you have to take a sip from the spittoon."
Tex looks at the spittoon sitting in the corner of the saloon. Cowboys have been spitting their tobacco juice into it for almost a week, and it is brim-full with slime. He looks back at his hand -- the hand of a lifetime. He gulps hard and says: "O.K."
The betting continues until only Tex and Loco are left in the game. Tex lays down his cards, and says "four of a kind." Smiling broadly, Loco lays down his cards: a straight flush. As Tex looks down at the cards with horror, Loco says: "Okay Tex,time to pay up."
Tex walks slowly over to the spittoon and reluctantly picks it up. He gazes down into the thick, brown, disgusting liquid. He takes a deep breath, puts his lips to it -- and begins drinking.
To the amazement of everyone in the saloon, he doesn't stop at one sip. He gulps, and gulps, and gulps for a full minute, until the spittoon is totally drained! There is an outcry throughout the saloon. Strong men are passing out around Tex from shock and disgust. A stunned silence settles in. Finally, one of the patrons speaks out: "Jesus, Tex -- you only had to take one sip -- why did you drink the whole thing?" Replies Tex: "It was all one strand!"

Short funny jokes-Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. Be careful, he said to his wife. You'll bring out the beast in me.
So what?his wife shot back. Who's afraid of a mouse?

Funny criminal jokes

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Really funny jokes-Dinner club

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors house each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay.

She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive.

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said,"No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the
back porch and got Ole Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ole' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town To come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and
the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter..

One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that truck driver that ran over Ole Spot never even stopped.

Clean jokes-Wrong Kid

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes

Short funny jokes-Legal documents

What animals are on legal documents?
- Seals

Really funny jokes-Brick Economy

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

Really funny jokes-Train accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations, " the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross examination. "

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!"

College jokes-Generosity

A couple of college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.
The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What the heck did you do that?" shouts Stan. "You know he's probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!"
Ryan replies, "And we weren't?"

Really funny jokes-Boys and tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Sardar jokes-Open door

Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

Short funny jokes-Losing on American Idol

Top 3 Signs You're Probably Going To Lose on American Idol
1. Vegas bookies say the Blue Jays have better odds of winning the World Series.
2. North Korea says they'll stop producing enriched uranium if you get voted off.
3. Your own mother says, "You're great, but I'm really a big fan of Sanjiya!"

Really funny jokes-Smart woman

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 MPH. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it to the bathroom in time."

Office jokes-Bad day at work

Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my hindside started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my backside was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my backside.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my backside as soon as I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my backside was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish up your backside!

Tight lines and calm seas,
Richard.