Sardar jokes-Own food

Santa and Banta went into a cafeteria and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced snacks from their shopping bags and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
Santa and Banta looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged their snacks.

Really funny jokes-Petrol station

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry -we're right out of petrol."
So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen,to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?"
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!"

Short funny jokes-Siamese twins

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.

Ultimate jokes-Disaster

"Oh,No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived, he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath an proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for Heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Funny jokes-Can't accept that

One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
So, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.
Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

Clean jokes-Buying a drink

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

Really funny jokes-Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smarty pants hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smarty pants little fella on your knee."

Short funny jokes-Who cares

Who cares about Russia? What did they ever give us, really? That stinkin' dressing? We had ketchup and mayonnaise the whole time, people.

Hilarious short jokes-No intention

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Funny jokes-Stay fit

Mary and Sue hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked.
"My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Sue, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

Short funny jokes-Jewish lady

In the University of Texas student newspaper: "Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, "His Mother."

Halloween jokes-Monster at the door

A little boy came running into the kitchen. 'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father!

Office jokes-Suggestions

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote: "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said: "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

Really funny jokes-Awful fight

Jim and Sally had an awful fight. Sally told Jim, "I want a divorce and before I kick you out you can take three things with you!"
Jim pondered for a few moments and angrily replied, "Okay witch! I want my golf clubs, shoes and my balls!" and stormed out the door.
Later that week Jim was starting to tee up with his pals on the first tee and they asked Jim, "Hey, if she only gave you a choice of three things to take with you why did you pick your clubs, shoes and balls?"
Jim looked at them with a disgusted look and said, "Duh, she's going to get my balls anyway so I took them now before I lost 'em!!"