Funny jokes-Stay fit

Mary and Sue hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked.
"My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Sue, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

Short funny jokes-Jewish lady

In the University of Texas student newspaper: "Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, "His Mother."

Halloween jokes-Monster at the door

A little boy came running into the kitchen. 'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father!

Office jokes-Suggestions

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote: "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said: "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

Really funny jokes-Awful fight

Jim and Sally had an awful fight. Sally told Jim, "I want a divorce and before I kick you out you can take three things with you!"
Jim pondered for a few moments and angrily replied, "Okay witch! I want my golf clubs, shoes and my balls!" and stormed out the door.
Later that week Jim was starting to tee up with his pals on the first tee and they asked Jim, "Hey, if she only gave you a choice of three things to take with you why did you pick your clubs, shoes and balls?"
Jim looked at them with a disgusted look and said, "Duh, she's going to get my balls anyway so I took them now before I lost 'em!!"

Short funny jokes-Crazy

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path

Funny jokes-Hot Day

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Birthday party jokes-Candles in the toilet

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Doctor jokes-Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

Short funny jokes-Policeman's help

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we'll ever find them.?
He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

Kids jokes-Mischievous Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

Really funny jokes-Insurance claim

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one, practically identical, of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Redneck jokes

You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper ...

Funny jokes-Apple pie and coffee

A man had trouble with his English, so his friend taught him how to say, "Apple pie and coffee," so when on the job, he could order some food at the local restaurant during his lunch hour.
This was fine with our man, and he was grateful to his friend, but after several months he wanted a little more variety in his fare. His friend was glad to oblige and taught him how to say,
"Ham and cheese sandwich."
The man proudly walked into the restaurant the next day and said to the waitress, "Ham and cheese sandwich."
To which the waitress responded, "White, whole wheat, or rye?"
With shoulders sagging and the smile gone from his face, he answered back, "Apple pie and coffee."