Short funny jokes-Bottom of the ocean

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Hilarious short jokes-Rabies

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Really funny jokes-Visit to Doctor's office

Shaheen walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here Shaheen ?"
Shaheen replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
Shaheen replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat ?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Short funny jokes-Laundry

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Really funny jokes-Secret to a long life

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said,
"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Ultimate jokes-Drunken driving

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly! " said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor.
The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?
"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.
"Well, thash me!"

Funny jokes-Optician

Waiting for my glasses to be repaired, I heard the optician trying to convince a customer she needed a stronger prescription.
"I'm fine with what I have," she insisted.
"Okay," he challenged, "what does it say on the store window across the street?"
"'30% to 40% off all merchandise' "
"That's incredible."
"Not really," she said. "I never miss a sale."

Lawyer jokes-In the court

At the height of a business corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Zardari the witness.
"Isn't it true," bellowed the lawyer , "that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?"
Zardari stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
Zardari still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Zardari , please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled Zardari said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was talking to you."

Really funny jokes-No children

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Sarah: "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation? "

Really funny jokes-Talmudic Wisdom

A Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."

The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, "What is the question?"

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"Very simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again.

I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew; with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."

"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."

For the last time, the Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told you that you would not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out clean?"

Teacher jokes-Complicated concept

One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted, demanding, "Why do we have to learn all this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how exactly does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

Really funny jokes-Southern home security

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

P.S. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Really funny jokes-Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."