Kids jokes-Jumping in beds

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.
Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Clean jokes-Signing a cheque

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.'
Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'

Really funny jokes-Husband's infidelity

"Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me."
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before."
"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the movie."

Short funny jokes-Hearing loss

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Light bulb jokes-Therapists

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but first she'll have it give a detailed description of its childhood, and tell her the first thought comes to mind when it hears the words: monkeyblabingooglep lex, and antidisestablishmen tarniasm.

Really funny jokes-I know everyone

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know everyone there is to know.. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Patel how about Tom Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, 'Patel! Great to see you!'
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although impressed, Patel's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,’ Patel says.
'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yes,' Patel says, 'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, 'Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies. 'Sure!' says Patel. 'My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.'
So off they fly to Rome...Patel and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Patel says ,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, who's that on the balcony with Patel ?

Quality jokes-Transplants

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. "
"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. "

Funny farm jokes-Amazing talking cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Really funny jokes-Eyes water

A school teacher asks her class 'What vegetable makes your eyes water?'
Little Johnny replies ' a turnip miss'.
'No Johnny' says the teacher, 'I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?'
'No miss' Says Johnny, 'Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?'

Really funny jokes-Sinking ship

Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors. The Captain spoke first.
"Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There's a three-man life raft on board and I'm going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each
one question. The one who can't answer will stay behind. Here's the first question :
What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?"
The first sailor answered, "The Titanic,Sir."
"On to the next question: How many people perished?"
The second sailor said, "One thousand five hundred and seventeen, Sir"
"Now for the third question," and the Captain turned to sailor number three.
"What were their names?"

Short funny jokes-Whiter

Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide.
Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

Really funny jokes-Drowning Woman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law. "
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Really funny jokes-Head Cleaner

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

Funny jokes clean -The holy man

A yogi (holy man) walked into a pizza parlor.
"Make me one with everything," he said to the waiter.
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."