SMS jokes-Cat with no legs

Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.

Short funny jokes-Dumb blonde

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Clean jokes-Dead

Two hunters are out in the wild hunting, when out of nowhere, one of the hunters falls to the ground. The other hunter checks if he's breathing, but there's no sign of life, so he calls 911: "Please! Help me! I think my friend is dead!"
The operator says: "ok, ok, calm down, first, make sure if he's dead". After a short moment of silence, a gunshot is heard, then the frantic hunter says: "ok, now what?!"

Short funny jokes-Exclamatory

Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road.
Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !

Humor jokes-The first date

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"
He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."
He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

Really funny jokes-The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Funny farm jokes-Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Funny jokes-Freeing the lobsters

One evening Josie went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"

"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.

"You mean you're going to kill them," said Josie.

"Absolutely, " said the waiter.

Josie was so upset that she immediately exited the restaurant, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission. Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free!

Short funny jokes-Wife wants to jump

Husband to Hotel Manager: Please come fast, My wife wants to die & trying to jump out of the window.
Hotel Manager: It’s your matter, what can I do, sir?
Husband: The window is not opening, idiot !

Birthday party jokes-Older

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

Really funny jokes-The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Clean jokes-Getting old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she told them, "That must be the door; I'll get it!"

Senior humor-My Body & A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood.
Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze or cough, my radiator seems to leak.

Funny farm jokes-Winning Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."