Kids jokes-Ketchup

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Blonde jokes-Intelligence

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Sardar jokes-Waiter

Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school.
Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'

Hilarious short jokes-A pun my word

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Really funny jokes-Technical support for Husband 1.0

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Clean jokes-The curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Really funny jokes-Two birds one cone

A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.
Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted.
He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with one cone."

Short funny jokes-Talent

In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent,
Whereas a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36.

Really funny jokes-Hiccups

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

Really funny jokes-Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,she said:
"Good trade..."

Marriage jokes-30 DAYS

"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

Short funny jokes-Neurotic pig

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Really funny jokes-First meeting

Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?
John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.
Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.
John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

Sardar jokes-Mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."