Short funny jokes-Diabetic

A nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette".

Kids jokes-Moses and the Red Sea

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Clean jokes-Bad smell

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
Then the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She greed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.

Really funny jokes-Proverbs

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6 " year-olds),

Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll --- stink in the morning.
No news is --- impossible.
You can't teach an old dog new --- maths.
Love all, trust --- me.
The pen is mightier than the --- pigs.
Where there's smoke there's --- pollution.
A penny saved is --- not much.
Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder.
When the blind leadeth the blind --- get out of the way.
And the favourite: Better late than --- pregnant!

Funny jokes-Pay for themselves

A window salesman telephoned his customer.

“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”

“But,”, the customer protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”

Funny blonde jokes-The Gift

A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he had time to think.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.

Short funny jokes-Hairy

What does a tarantula wish he had?
A hairy godmother

Really funny jokes-Polish

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" the customer asks the clerk.
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!"

Humor jokes-New sign

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Hilarious short jokes-Honesty

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

Really funny jokes-The lessons of age

Lessons of age-Senior humor
-----------------------------

Now that I'm older....here' s what I've discovered: "I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it."

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's that sudden stop at the end.

Sardar jokes-Black Tie Party

A Sardar received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!

Really funny jokes-Guy who stutters

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Short funny jokes-Lost

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."