Humor jokes-New sign

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Hilarious short jokes-Honesty

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

Really funny jokes-The lessons of age

Lessons of age-Senior humor
-----------------------------

Now that I'm older....here' s what I've discovered: "I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it."

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's that sudden stop at the end.

Sardar jokes-Black Tie Party

A Sardar received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!

Really funny jokes-Guy who stutters

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Short funny jokes-Lost

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

Kids jokes-State of inactivity

In his science class, my ten-year-old grandson Chaim was learning about hibernation. He brought his test paper home the day after the exam. One question was: Into what state of inactivity do some animals with fur coats go during the winter months?" Little Chaim had written,
"Florida."

Really funny jokes-Guess who?

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume. The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Short funny jokes-Movie tickets

Husband : Today is Sunday. I want to really enjoy it. So, I have bought three movie tickets.....
Wife: Why three??
Husband : For you and your parents!

Really funny jokes-Disappearing wife

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Sardar jokes-Lost cheque book

Sardar lost his cheque book .
Next day, he goes to Bank manager to inform him about it .
Manager says : Be careful any one can put your signatures, check daily with bank as our computers
are not working, I can't arrange for stop payments.
Sardar: Dont worry Manager , I have already signed all cheques, so nobody can sign.

Sarcastic jokes-Tragedy

President Zardari is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, " Zardari says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Zardari. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What? " asks Zardari, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Zardari and Gillani was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful !" Zardari beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Clean jokes-Happy

A few days ago I was driving when I was suddenly rear-ended at a light.
I got out of my vehicle to see who'd hit me, and out popped this dwarf from the other car.
He was all red in the face, sputtering and obviously mad as his hands were waving in the air.
As he stormed towards me he said, "I am not happy!".
To which I simply replied, "Then which one are you?"
That's when things got really ugly!

Short funny jokes-Surprised

"After a short hearing, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern."