Kids jokes-State of inactivity

In his science class, my ten-year-old grandson Chaim was learning about hibernation. He brought his test paper home the day after the exam. One question was: Into what state of inactivity do some animals with fur coats go during the winter months?" Little Chaim had written,
"Florida."

Really funny jokes-Guess who?

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume. The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Short funny jokes-Movie tickets

Husband : Today is Sunday. I want to really enjoy it. So, I have bought three movie tickets.....
Wife: Why three??
Husband : For you and your parents!

Really funny jokes-Disappearing wife

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Sardar jokes-Lost cheque book

Sardar lost his cheque book .
Next day, he goes to Bank manager to inform him about it .
Manager says : Be careful any one can put your signatures, check daily with bank as our computers
are not working, I can't arrange for stop payments.
Sardar: Dont worry Manager , I have already signed all cheques, so nobody can sign.

Sarcastic jokes-Tragedy

President Zardari is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, " Zardari says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Zardari. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What? " asks Zardari, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Zardari and Gillani was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful !" Zardari beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Clean jokes-Happy

A few days ago I was driving when I was suddenly rear-ended at a light.
I got out of my vehicle to see who'd hit me, and out popped this dwarf from the other car.
He was all red in the face, sputtering and obviously mad as his hands were waving in the air.
As he stormed towards me he said, "I am not happy!".
To which I simply replied, "Then which one are you?"
That's when things got really ugly!

Short funny jokes-Surprised

"After a short hearing, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern."

Really funny jokes-Learn

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

Humor jokes-Ark

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'.
"Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design".
"Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said.
"Ok... 5 or 6 floors"
"I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him.
"Erm... Fish!" Noah replied.
"Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"
"Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said.
"Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked.
And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?"
"Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'

Animal jokes-The Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

Really funny jokes-Fight Like a Man

Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!

Clean jokes-Boat painter

A boat painter was awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned about the delay, confronted the painter.
"Hey Carl", said the owner, "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my boat and it's been three weeks....What' s up with that?"
The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".

Kids jokes-Preacher

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a young boy asked his mother what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh he's a very busy man," the mother replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor.... and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't too easy, either."