Financial crisis jokes-Magicians

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "

Really funny jokes-Woman's revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Blonde jokes-Keys

One day there was this blonde that pulled up to a gas station. She filled her car with gas then went to the gas station clerk. Then she asked him for a hanger. The clerk asked her why and she replied that she locked her keys in the car. So the clerk gave the blonde the hanger.
Thirty minutes later the clerks sees the same blonde outside. So the clerk decides to help them out.
The blonde says, “No thanks.”
All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, “A little bit to the left.”

Kids jokes-Following person

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Really funny jokes-Pea

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it.
The doctor says to him, "Well,it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system,you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years,I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really,I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

Humor jokes-Provocative

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. Well, it was working. Some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music."
And I shot back, "He's just thankful that I didn't go into psychology."

Really funny jokes-Golf partner

On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

Short funny jokes-Eyesight

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,
"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Clean jokes-Single, never married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Rachel's dream

Rachel kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Rachel: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Rachel: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Rachel: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Rachel: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Rachel: It said, "P-U-L-L."

Really funny jokes-Awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy. "
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Short funny jokes-Park

What happens when you illegally park your frog?
It gets toad away

Clean jokes-Driving recklessly

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Funny jokes-Ear drops

Angelina brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and Angelina returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.