Friday, May 29, 2009

Really funny jokes-Golf partner

On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

Short funny jokes-Eyesight

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,
"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Clean jokes-Single, never married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Rachel's dream

Rachel kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Rachel: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Rachel: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Rachel: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Rachel: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Rachel: It said, "P-U-L-L."

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Really funny jokes-Awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy. "
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Short funny jokes-Park

What happens when you illegally park your frog?
It gets toad away

Friday, May 22, 2009

Clean jokes-Driving recklessly

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Funny jokes-Ear drops

Angelina brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and Angelina returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Short funny jokes-Bark

Short funny jokes-Bark
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Clean jokes-Romantic couple

A couple arrived at a beautiful island resort. Sharing a bottle of wine as the sunset over the tropical lagoon, he leaned closer to his wife of ten years and said,
"Honey, would it be good to renew our vows while we're here?"
She responded with a pensive, "Maybe, but I don't know what I'd wear."
He thought a moment and said, "Come to think of it, I don't know what I'd say!"

Monday, May 18, 2009

Kids jokes-Go to Church

After a church service on Sunday morning, our son suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," he said, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Really funny jokes-Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
When asked to paythe bill of $ 57.00, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
Not about to get taken again, the bartender asked sarcastically, "What, no drink for me this time?"The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Short funny jokes-Difference

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
~ Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Funny jokes-Coffee run

Sandra was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Sandra asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" Sandra sighed in relief. "I'll have two regular, two black,and two decaf."