Short funny jokes-Eyesight

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,
"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Clean jokes-Single, never married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Rachel's dream

Rachel kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Rachel: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Rachel: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Rachel: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Rachel: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Rachel: It said, "P-U-L-L."

Really funny jokes-Awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy. "
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Short funny jokes-Park

What happens when you illegally park your frog?
It gets toad away

Clean jokes-Driving recklessly

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Funny jokes-Ear drops

Angelina brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and Angelina returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.

Short funny jokes-Bark

Short funny jokes-Bark
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Clean jokes-Romantic couple

A couple arrived at a beautiful island resort. Sharing a bottle of wine as the sunset over the tropical lagoon, he leaned closer to his wife of ten years and said,
"Honey, would it be good to renew our vows while we're here?"
She responded with a pensive, "Maybe, but I don't know what I'd wear."
He thought a moment and said, "Come to think of it, I don't know what I'd say!"

Kids jokes-Go to Church

After a church service on Sunday morning, our son suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," he said, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen

Really funny jokes-Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

When asked to paythe bill of $ 57.00, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

Not about to get taken again, the bartender asked sarcastically, "What, no drink for me this time?"The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Short funny jokes-Difference

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
~ Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Funny jokes-Coffee run

Sandra was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Sandra asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" Sandra sighed in relief. "I'll have two regular, two black,and two decaf."

Short funny jokes-Dry cleaning business

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.