Clean jokes-Tools

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre.
After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

Really funny jokes-How old?

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

Short funny jokes-In a hurry

There are two things men really want women to do in a hurry.
Dress
&
Undress !

Really funny jokes-Grocery store

Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home.

Kids jokes-Higher power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

Short funny jokes-Relax

Where do judges go to relax?
To the tennis court.

Really funny jokes-The Salvation Army

A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."

Clean jokes-The cashier

I was checking out at the busy Super Market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"

Sardar jokes-Hold on

Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Really funny jokes-Negative hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.
'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where'd you get the terrible Hairdo?'

Short funny jokes-Domain names

Girls are like internet domain names...
The ones I like are already taken.

Clean jokes funny-Shepherd dog

Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."

Clean jokes-Groom's family

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Short funny jokes-Fine for parking!

Policeman: You cant park your car here.
Driver: Why not?
Policeman: Read that sign.
Driver: I did. it says, "Fine for parking", so I parked.