Kids jokes-Unanswered prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

Really funny jokes-How to sell toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes, " echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip and Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!"
Then I would say, "It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Short funny jokes-Smoke

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Hilarious jokes-Donation

A boy says to his father: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting donations for a swimming pool.

Dad: Give him a glass of water.

Really funny jokes-Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Short funny jokes-Arrest

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Short funny jokes-Three wise women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Funny Animal Jokes - Dog

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Really funny jokes-God's creation

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Really funny jokes-History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable. We shall call it UPS for short."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as the greedy horsefly takes to camel dung. He and his followers came to be known as Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and
drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "How about Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators?"
Abraham paused for a moment and then smiled. "YAHOO!" he called out. "Splendid idea!"
And that is how it all began.

Short funny jokes-Prison inmate

Q: What did one Illinois prison inmate say to the other?
A: "The food was better when you were Governor."

Blonde jokes-A pot of coffee

Last Xmas, a blonde was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale' s for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it.

Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready."

A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" She replied, "However, there's one thing that really bugs me and I don't quite understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Clean jokes-Confession

Brian ducked into a confessional booth with a turkey in his hands.
A moment later, the priest stepped into the adjoining booth.
"Forgive me, Father," Brian confessed, "for I have sinned. I have stolen this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian said, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
The Priest thought for a moment and then said, "Well, if what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
"Thank you, Father," Brian said. He then hurried off.
When his day was done, the Priest left the church and returned to his house. When he walked into his kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Short funny jokes-Rednecks

You may be a Redneck if you think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

- You may be a Redneck if you let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

- You may be a Redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.