Blonde jokes-A pot of coffee

Last Xmas, a blonde was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale' s for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it.

Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready."

A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" She replied, "However, there's one thing that really bugs me and I don't quite understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Clean jokes-Confession

Brian ducked into a confessional booth with a turkey in his hands.
A moment later, the priest stepped into the adjoining booth.
"Forgive me, Father," Brian confessed, "for I have sinned. I have stolen this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian said, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
The Priest thought for a moment and then said, "Well, if what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
"Thank you, Father," Brian said. He then hurried off.
When his day was done, the Priest left the church and returned to his house. When he walked into his kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Short funny jokes-Rednecks

You may be a Redneck if you think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

- You may be a Redneck if you let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

- You may be a Redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Office jokes-Management in scientific terms

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Eggs

Q: How does a hillbilly like her eggs?

A: Unfertilized!

Really funny jokes-What do you see

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Doctor jokes-Prescription

A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”

Humor jokes-The blessing

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Really funny jokes-Car Privileges

We had just given our teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Clean jokes-Spelling errors

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

Really funny jokes-The gift

Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.

Doctor jokes-Constipation

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

Sardar jokes-35 runs

In one local cricket match, a Sardar raised his bat on making 35 runs.
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."

Really funny jokes-Letter from Son

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"