Humor jokes-The blessing

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Really funny jokes-Car Privileges

We had just given our teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Clean jokes-Spelling errors

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

Really funny jokes-The gift

Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.

Doctor jokes-Constipation

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

Sardar jokes-35 runs

In one local cricket match, a Sardar raised his bat on making 35 runs.
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."

Really funny jokes-Letter from Son

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

Humor jokes-Club

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."

Really funny jokes-Polish women are tough

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "

Humor in uniform-Tactful

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Really funny jokes-Geriatric wedding

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely. "
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation- H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

Clean jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

Doctor jokes-HMO

Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."

Really funny jokes-How do you like your eggs?

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."