Doctor jokes-HMO

Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."

Really funny jokes-How do you like your eggs?

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Office jokes-Secretary

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Really funny jokes-Bomb

Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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My wife laughed at me when I told her I would fix the PC.

Kids jokes-Dinner

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Really funny jokes-Single

When we were on our way to the ski slopes, my friend's children decided to 'find me a man' by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone -- and therefore, in their minds, single.
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift.
As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."

Hilarious jokes-Skydiver

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

Doctor jokes-Expensive treatment

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Clean jokes-The suspect

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

Office jokes-Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Kids jokes-Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Humor jokes-Speeding Charges

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"

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Really funny jokes-Honorary Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition; I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. "
"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."