Really funny jokes-An Irish Pub Joke

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya idiot! Spit it out!'

Clean jokes-Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?'
'I can!' '
Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation? '
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Short funny jokes-Milk shake

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

Really funny jokes-Priceless

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Kids jokes-May I?

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?
L.Johnny: But I asked first!

Short funny jokes-Vacation

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Really funny jokes-Discharge

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Clean jokes-A walking economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Office jokes

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Really funny jokes-Back to the States

This lady went to the Holy Lands with her daughter and son in law. While she was there she was a royal pain in the you know what. The food was either too spicey, or not seasoned at all. The weather was always too hot, all she did all the time that she was there was complain about everything. She even complained that the toilet tissue was to rough. Well her son in law had just about had it. And he was about ready to ship her home, when out of the blue she passed away.
Well the son in law went to the undertaker there. The undertaker said there was two options, they could send her body to the States which would cost $15,000 or they could bury her there at a cost of $150.
The son in law thought for a while and he decided to send her back to the States. The undertaker could not understand why he wanted to spend so much money to send her back to the States, when it was so much cheaper to take care of things there.
So he asked him why he was wanting to send her back to the States.
The son in law said, "Look 2000 years ago you buried a guy in a tomb over here and in 3 days he came back to life, I don't want to take that chance with her."

Funny jokes-Quarterback

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

Short funny jokes-Group of accountants

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Short Funny jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house,
he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

Really funny jokes-Drunk

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."