Really funny jokes-Discharge

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Clean jokes-A walking economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Office jokes

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Really funny jokes-Back to the States

This lady went to the Holy Lands with her daughter and son in law. While she was there she was a royal pain in the you know what. The food was either too spicey, or not seasoned at all. The weather was always too hot, all she did all the time that she was there was complain about everything. She even complained that the toilet tissue was to rough. Well her son in law had just about had it. And he was about ready to ship her home, when out of the blue she passed away.
Well the son in law went to the undertaker there. The undertaker said there was two options, they could send her body to the States which would cost $15,000 or they could bury her there at a cost of $150.
The son in law thought for a while and he decided to send her back to the States. The undertaker could not understand why he wanted to spend so much money to send her back to the States, when it was so much cheaper to take care of things there.
So he asked him why he was wanting to send her back to the States.
The son in law said, "Look 2000 years ago you buried a guy in a tomb over here and in 3 days he came back to life, I don't want to take that chance with her."

Funny jokes-Quarterback

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

Short funny jokes-Group of accountants

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Short Funny jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house,
he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

Really funny jokes-Drunk

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Short funny jokes-Grocery money

He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Doctor jokes-Came back

Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.

Really short funny jokes-Last Minute Change

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.).
The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Short Funny jokes-Tech support

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Financial meltdown jokes

Quote of the day from a trader:
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

Funny jokes-Tan

Barbara and Jane walked into a tanning salon.

Barbara said, "A tan for 2 please!"

The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "Are you two sisters?"

Jane chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."