Really funny jokes-First date

A young man about to go on his first date asks his father for advice.
"What should I talk about?"
"Son, there are three subjects that always work: food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Recalling his father's advice he says, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
His date replies, "No" and the silence returns.
"Uhhhh ... do you have a brother?"
"No." More silence.
"Well, then ... if you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Humor jokes-Who's Sleeping With Mommy?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Patty, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with mom that night. They said, "Okay."
After my next trip several weeks later, Patty and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was!

Short humor jokes-Land

Interested in buying a summer place, a man asked a farmer, "How does the land lie around here?"
The farmer said, "The land don't lie. It's the real estate people that lie!"

Really funny jokes-Telegram

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor,"and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead
of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best
friend!" The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said,
"Maybe she never got your telegram."

Kids jokes-Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Humor jokes-Strange man

Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants."
"Son," the father told him, "if it's the landlord, he wants his rent. If it's the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage. And if it's a traveling salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's lap till I get there!"

Really funny jokes-Stuck in the Mud

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck. While trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a farmer coming down the lane, driving
some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. They accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looked around at the vast fields and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"
"Nope," the farmer replied, "Night's when I put the water in the hole!"

Sardar jokes-Modern Art

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Doctor jokes-Cure Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Really funny jokes-Genie

One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.
First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."
The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman
what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the
man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.
Finally, the genie went to Isreal, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answered, "My Arab cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"
The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"
The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"

Really funny short jokes-Awkward age

Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

Humor jokes-Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Short humor jokes-Stupid lawyer

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Funny jokes-Eleven

Why couldn't Tina write the number eleven ....

She didn't know which 1 came first.