Kids jokes-Essay

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Short sarcastic jokes

- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Hindi jokes-Suicide Sardarji

Suicide Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

Really funny jokes-Marines

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole lot of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Funny jokes-Parrot

Anita went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

"Good lord!" said Anita, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot"

"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,"

"Good lord!" said Anita, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

"Why not?" Asked the owner.

"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"

Humor jokes-What is 710???

This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....But there always are (a lot of) exceptions!!
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked,"What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is...

Doctor jokes-Painless

Raj: "Dad, that man wasn't painless dentist like he advertised."
Dad: "Why? Did he hurt you?"
Raj: "No, but he yelled when I bit his thumb."

Short humor jokes-Divorce

As a Hillbilly couple walk out of divorce court,the wife is cryin her heart out.
Her husband turns to her and says .. "Fer Pete's sake stop cryin... you're still my sister."

Really funny jokes-Advice

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Office jokes-Verbal

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Funny jokes-Miles

Cindi tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to her friend she worked with. The friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Cindi, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Cindi made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked Cindi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Cindi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Really funny jokes-Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

Humor jokes-Stuffed lion

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law. "
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother- in-Law," replied the old man.

Really funny jokes-Old Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!!