Kids jokes

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest 5 year old son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"

Sardar jokes-Heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word....

Kids jokes-Astronomy Quiz

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Really funny jokes-Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Clean jokes-Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Doctor jokes-Not eating properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Kids jokes-How old?

Teacher: Frank, how old were you last year?
Frank: 7 years old
Teacher: Then how old you will be next year?
Frank: 9 years old
Teacher: That's impossible!
Frank: No, it isn't, today is my birthday!

Funny jokes-Coast

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Humor jokes-Second Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Doctor jokes- Whistling softly

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly he said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Really funny jokes-Ham

A woman went to the Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
"What's he in for?", asked the Governor.
"For stealing a ham."
"That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
"No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy."
"Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?"
"No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth."
"Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
"Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."

Kids jokes-Donations

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

Humor jokes-An Honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Pregnant woman

The other day my neighbor came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news....

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more"

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said...."Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"