Short funny jokes-Pet

What did Deborah name her pet zebra?

Spot.

Really funny jokes-Mental Health Hotline

We recently placed a call to the Mental Health Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy. They really have covered all the bases. Here's what we got:

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won't be crazy forever."

Short humor jokes

Q) How do you make a bull sweat?
A) Give him a tight Jersey.

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Q) What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
A) Rhesus pieces.

Really funny jokes-Largest transport

One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station.
The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour.
"That thing's like a big building sitting there,'' said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!
The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around, so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a 6-story building.
Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Del.
When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around. The plane was not damaged.
The female co-pilot was overheard saying to the male pilot as they exited the plane...
"I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions."

Kids jokes-Junk Food

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Really funny jokes-Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Humor jokes-Changing plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? " he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."


Humor Pictures

Really funny jokes-Losing weight

One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying " If you catch me, I'm yours ."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the girl, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg..

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

" If I catch you, you're mine ."

Sardar jokes-Kill the bird!

Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.

Doctor jokes-Fart problem

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
On this the doctor says , "I see your problem, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the man goes back. "Doctor, " he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."

Humor jokes-Tick warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Humor jokes-Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies,"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Kids jokes-Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.
The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,
"PLAY BALL!!!"

Clean jokes-Dead

An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here
in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."