Really funny jokes-Losing weight

One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying " If you catch me, I'm yours ."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the girl, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg..

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

" If I catch you, you're mine ."

Sardar jokes-Kill the bird!

Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.

Doctor jokes-Fart problem

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
On this the doctor says , "I see your problem, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the man goes back. "Doctor, " he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."

Humor jokes-Tick warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Humor jokes-Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies,"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Kids jokes-Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.
The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,
"PLAY BALL!!!"

Clean jokes-Dead

An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here
in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Really funny jokes-Sign

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in front of Kathy's yard.
Johnny's pissed. How dare that GIRL?
Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying, "Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!"
Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.
So Kathy kicked the crap out of him.

Doctor jokes-Cancer

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got Cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Humor jokes-Tick warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Really funny jokes-Numbers

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."
"Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.
"Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.
"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"A jack!" replied Andy.

Office jokes-Male clerk

In one office the staff consisted of female works except one male clerk. The head of the office being a male wanted to
write something unique about the male clerk in the annual work appraisal of the staff. Therefore he wrote about the male clerk as follows.
He is the only clerk in my office who has not applied for maternity leave.

Funny jokes-Comfortable

Two sisters, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the elder sister tells the younger sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The elder sister arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the elder sister realizes that she'll only be able to send her younger sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says , 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '

The elder sister explains, 'My sister's dumb. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....
'com-for-da- bul.' '

Sardar jokes-Ice cubes

Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.