Doctor jokes-Contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Clean jokes-Holding hands

John says to his friend, "My Mary and I, we are always holding hands."
"Why do you do this?" asks his friend.
"Because if I let go, she shops."

A point to prove

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.

So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See, that guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Really funny jokes-Italian Meal

The customer in the Italian restaurant in Boston's North End was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef.
"Certainly! Come with me," the owner said as he proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your Pasta Quattro Formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

Short humor jokes-Spread

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Lawyer jokes-Dealing With Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Doctor jokes-Drinks

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Short humor jokes-Email on 1st April

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

Funny jokes-Heather's concern

As a trucker stops for a red light, a girl catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the girl says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the girl gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the girl.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Clean jokes

1) Long back, people who sacrificed their sleep, forgot their family, forgot food, forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.
Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

Really funny jokes-Babies

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"
Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"
Amazed, he says, "That's cool I work for 3M."
All of a sudden, the third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.."
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

Doctor jokes-Swallow

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade. "
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

Humor jokes-Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Really funny jokes-A Speeding Ticket !!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
Officer: May I see your driver's license
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen.
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK!!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
Captain: Sir, can I see your license
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.